When things finally make sense so I don’t think I’m just “rubbish” any more

When I first posted about this, it was a little surprising for people who know me but who I hadn’t talked to in depth for a little while.

Over the past year I’ve been on a steep learning curve, but the blog below was the start of it, and it’s as important today as it was in March 2021!

Throughout my entire life I felt that I don’t fit in.

I always felt on the outside of social groups, finding it hard to truly connect with more than a few individuals (who are completely amazing by the way and you know who you are!)

I’ve worn more ‘outfits’ than I can count, becoming a professional chameleon to try and find that elusive place where I could fit in.

I believe that a huge number of us have felt like this at some point, especially women, especially those wanting to please people, but this went beyond that.

Over the years it became more and more exhausting to keep the veneer, to keep trying to guess what would be acceptable and I felt I began to split into two different life approaches, neither of which seemed to be within my control

–Firstly; I would have to start accepting that I didn’t fit in and be ok with that

But I had no idea where to begin with this, and took a scattergun approach, never quite finding anything which “fit” me.

-Secondly; I started to withdraw from people and places I found challenging,

including jobs, taking less and less responsible roles in an attempt to reduce the pressure I was feeling in life in general

All the time, I had a racing mind, an inability to focus, an insatiable thirst for knowledge, emotional responses that blindsided me and still, that feeling that I wasn’t fitting in.

I also felt ashamed.

-That I couldn’t keep my house tidy (friends, you have never seen my house as it is day to day!)

-That I was finding it near impossible to focus on growing my business – when I saw friends and loved ones able to juggle growing a business with working another job and raising amazing kids.

-That I interrupted people all the time in conversation

-And that I have 100s of projects I’ve started with full enthusiasm and never finished.

But I had a piece of luck come my way

In 2020, I was fortunate to meet an incredible, warm lady in a coaching group.

She triggered something in me and was happy to have a chat…

What she triggered was the belief that I may have undiagnosed ADHD.

It’s now diagnosed.

And I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I made a vow to myself, then and there, that I would no longer call myself stupid for not understanding something techy, or lazy when I can’t focus on a task which is boring me to the point of almost physical pain, or weird for not ‘fitting in’ (I will embrace my weird and run with it though!)

I would love to vow that I will never be late again, or forget an important date/event, or that I will be able to give you my full attention even in a busy location – but honestly, I won’t be able to.

I’m ok with that, and I know the people I love most will be too.

If you’ve stuck with me this far (reading and IRL) then thank you.

I’ll be continuing to talk about my journey of this new level of self discovery in the hope that it helps even one person to know they aren’t alone, and they most definitely are not rubbish.

If you want to come along for the ride, sign up here to my irregular newsletter where I’ll share candid, honest experiences of life with ADHD, self-coaching tools and ideas and occasionally random thoughts ;)